i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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