Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
