THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
