remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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