You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
