I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
