Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
you inspire me to be a worse person
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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