it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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