My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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