got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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