If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize