and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
