I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
