is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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