i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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