tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
