There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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