Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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