That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
