Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
