I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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