i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
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is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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