6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
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he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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