Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
