I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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