I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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