Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
