just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
