New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
