you traded sex for a burrito?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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