Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
