i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
