Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
