end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
