She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
