We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
be right there i have to get my cape
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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