I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
