peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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