i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
