if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
