My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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