i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
