The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
