when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
