The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
