OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
