last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
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just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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