Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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