What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
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We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
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I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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