today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize