Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
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He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
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That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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