I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
