i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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