Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
