News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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