I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I still have a little drunk in my system
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
